And now, Michael Jackson's final product endorsement

One of the more unusual (the term is relative) factoids to emerge from yesterday's memorial service for Michael Jackson in Los Angeles proves that, for some of us, top-of-the-line brands matter until the very end-in this case, our conveyance to the pearly gates. The general media made much of the fact that the casket of the deceased pop king was a 24-karat gold model widely reported to be "custom made." Alas, branding novices, the truth is that The Promethian—the top-of-the-line model of Indiana's Batesville Casket Co.—can be had by anyone willing to plunk down the $25,000 it costs to have one. When you call, just ask for model no. Z94-665-LH. Be prepared to specify your choice of velvet interior-lining color: Dark Green, Shasta Lily, Blue Onyx, or Spitfire Red (the Jackson family chose the blue.) The casket (pictured here) is continuously welded bronze that's plated in 14- (sorry, not 24) karat gold, and features a fully adjustable mattress. Batesville's been having a fine fiscal year-its second-quarter 2008 revenues were up 5.6 percent to $191.4 million-though not, apparently, because of a surging demand for Promethians. "The increased revenue was favorably impacted by a more typical pneumonia and influenza season," according to a press release.

—Posted by Robert Klara

If union-busting had a taste, it would be like Stella D'oro

The big news in the Bronx today is that the plant that the Stella D’oro Biscuit Co. will shut its doors this October. The move looks like a final FU to union workers who have been striking since last August. After a judge last week ordered the owners to reinstate the workers, the owner announced the plant was going to cease production in three months, which is the capitalist equivalent of “I’m gonna take my ball and go home.” Despite this latest episode, it’s worth remembering that Stella D’oro was once a top cookie brand. In fact, back when there were only three TV networks, it was something of a fixture, right up there with the “ancient Chinese secret” Calgon lady. Two ads from the 70s still resonate, including an ad in which a wife is unimpressed by expensive gifts like a new car or a gold watch, but warms to a bag of the company’s Swiss Fudge Cookies and a second one recounted here by Patton Oswalt (beware: this clip contains potty mouth) in which a depressed middle aged woman asserts that Stella D’Oro’s Breakfast Treats are good anytime, not just at breakfast. While those two ads are MIA, a somewhat more recent one on YouTube (shown here) shows a woman noisily eating her Stella D'oro Breadsticks during a symphony. All very memorable ads. But alas, great advertising will only take you so far. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

—Posted by Todd Wasserman

Pacifico Beer reminds you to enjoy an epic adventure responsibly

Pacifico Beer has just announced its Epic Adventure Photo contest, which is almost exactly what it sounds like. Consumers can submit pictures of their epic adventures to Pacifico's website, where a panel of judges, including Surfer magazine photo editor Grant Ellis, hand out prizes including surfboards, magazine subscriptions and a grand prize trip to Hawaii with longboard whiz Joel Tudor. It's ironic and yet fitting that Pacifico, a beer for traveling "off the beaten path," is asking for consumer-created content and offering a grand prize trip like countless other American brands right now. Not to mention that getting a decent picture of an "epic adventure" would be pretty hard, and dangerous. I'd hate to fall out of my hang glider because the guy responsible for strapping me in was too busy dithering around with his camera settings. But at least they tried to make the contest fair by excluding Californians "for legal reasons," because anyone driving the I-405 to work would win automatically.

 

-Posted by David Kiefaber

Another Idiot Uses Jackson's Death to Peddle His Book

If Joe Jackson can use his son Michael's death as a platform to pimp his new business venture, that makes it kind of tough -- but still justified -- to wag the finger at others doing the same. This one caught my eye today, sent via news release, which launched with the statement: "The unfolding of Michael Jackson's will and estate, and the confusion surrounding it, is a stark reminder of the importance of providing a plan for those we leave behind."

Yes, it's a shill for The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wills and Estates from Penguin Group and its author, Stephen Maples, who is "available to comment on the process Michael Jackson's family or others will have to contend with" when a loved one unexpectedly kicks.

Not to assume that the fourth edition of this tome doesn't contain lots of useful tidbits about taxes and trusts, but come on, people. Looks like somebody needs to pick up a copy of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette.

—Posted by T. L. Stanley

Fiat Thinks Up New Ways to Dodge Failure in Restructuring Efforts

Would you rather have an Alfa Romeo or a Dodge? Fiat is allegedly banking on the fact that European consumers will purchase Dodge vehicles bearing the fabled Alfa Romeo badge. There are reports that Chrysler’s Dodge brand could possibly be rebranded in Europe as Alfa Romeo. Fiat, which took over Chrysler’s assets, is considering this as an option for restructuring Chrysler. The rationale appears to be: If the Dodge brand struggled to be profitable here in the states, why would anyone think it would be successful elsewhere? Still, I understand if they want to rebadge the Viper, but besides that and possibly the Charger, would hatchback loving Europeans really be interested in gas guzzling behemoths? Is the plan to completely ruin Chrysler and bring down Alfa Romeo at the same time? As consumers become savvier about marketing strategies and have the latest news about a product at their fingertips, it seems strange that Fiat thinks that just dashing the Dodge name will turn things around.

—Posted by Philip Mathew

Newly appreciated McD's ad seems to advocate killing your wife

Put a fish into a McDonald’s ad and wackiness will ensue. The fast feeder got kudos earlier this year for a strange ad with a singing, wall-mounted fish and now this 2006 McDonald's spot has been resurfacing via e-mail forwards and social networks. I received the spot in an e-mail that dubs it the "greatest McDonald's ad ever." Not sure if I agree wholeheartedly, but it’s better than most. The ad shows a fisherman about to be attacked by some kind of huge sea creature. But instead the creature snatches his McDonald's meal, leaving only a bite mark where the bag used to sit. The man gets a bright idea to invite his nagging wife to the next fishing trip and hands her a McDonald's meal, while he waits for the creature to strike again. The ad ends with the tagline, "Every time a good time," and the moral of the story becomes pretty clear: If you want to use your spouse as bait, buy McDonald's to lure the predator.

—Posted by Elena Malykhina

Because Rizzo would want you to pay those bills anyway

So wait, is Grease cool again? It seems to resurface every couple of years, and now Styles Checks is launching personal checks, contact cards, and other stationery with a Pink Ladies theme (they were the cool girls in the movie, just in case you've ignored every revival thus far). Styles has a deal with Paramount Licensing, so maybe they'll have some fresher material later on down the road, but they could do worse than the musical, a cable mainstay. Releasing that stuff during an off-year is still a little strange though, and it screams "dollar store purchase," unless they'd like to turn other dated films into stationery to attract hipsters. Luckily, there's a rich crop of half-obscure bad movies from that era just waiting to be referenced. Hey, I'd use Connecting Rooms address labels with pride.

—Posted by David Kiefaber

Why is PETA not bugged by Zoo York's roach harassment?

What does Zoo York have against cockroaches? In this ad for the skateboarding brand, a pair of roaches are contemplating leaving a skate park when a young man on a board rolls over and crushes one of them. When the roach's friend asks if he's OK, the flattened insect replies, "Yeah, I'm all right. I just gotta walk it off." Ah, the resilience of the cockroach. If this is an attempt to be edgy, Zoo York has so far failed to even get a rise out of PETA, which famously took issue when President Obama, in an impromptu moment killed a fly, prompting the animal rights group to send the president a "humane bug catcher." Meanwhile, Zoo York's antipathy towards roaches goes back a ways. The brand ran an ad last year had the same plotline, but with fouler language from the mashed cockroach. The ads are part of a larger roach campaign, which includes a video of a person identified as "ZY Official Anthony Shetler" taking a bite out of a live cockroach and chasing it with a beer and a video of various skaters and bikers dumping containers of cockroaches with "ZY" painted on their backs onto New York City streets and watching people freak out. What's behind Zoo York's obsession? It's a nod to the company's "unbreakable" footwear, which it likens to a cockroach, though the ads have another thing in common: They're disgusting.

—Posted by Elana Glowatz

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Skittles of our lives

Mars' Skittles brand continues its foray into absurdism with a new spot from TBWA\Chiat\Day, New York, that portrays the evils of eating Skittles out of unlikely objects. Thinking it’s no big deal, the hungry snacker in this ad disregards his friend’s warning and steals some Skittles candy from his giant hourglass. Seems harmless enough, right? Except this seems to have a reverse Benjamin Button effect, making the teen age rapidly. “I mean, look at me, man. You’re speeding up time. How many did you eat?” he says, while pieces of hair fall from his hat. “Like two?” his friend replies, bewildered. Within seconds, the teenager with the jeans and hoodie jacket transforms into an old, frustrated senior citizen. Lesson No. 2: Life is too short. “Taste the rainbow.” (Or else others will.)

—Posted by Elaine Wong

G.I. Joe ads attack New York beaches via the air

Yesterday, a black helicopter raced up to the shore of New York's Robert Moses beach. As it hovered above the water, people rose from their beach blankets and chairs and walked to the shoreline to see what was happening. Was someone being rescued from an undertow? Was it a coast guard training exercise? A rope ladder was unfurled and a man climbed down to its end. He stood there dangling some 20 feet above the water and then started waving as the helicopter slowly pushed forward. As the copter came closer, you could see that the words painted on its sides were not "police" or "coast guard"; rather it read "G.I. Joe." The dramatic event was just another promotion. Albeit a far more effective one compared to the little propeller planes sputtering by, pulling banners promoting the new McCafe coffee and some women’s hygiene product that promoted itself as the ultimate solution for unwanted hair. After the helicopter cruised off, the beach was abuzz about G.I. Joe. Well done Paramount.

—Posted by Kenneth Hein